Oufff, the ‘quiet tenderness of presence’ comment hit hard. It’s something I’m only just learning to appreciate in relationship, well into middle age. As you so accurately say, many of us are hard wired to equate love with drama. Thankfully it can be unlearned (with lots of therapy and a present partner!). I also loved the honesty around narcissistic feelings at weddings. It’s so important to name it! Lots to ponder on, thank you!
Thank you, Sinead! It's nice to see you on here, looking forward to reading your Substack when you start publishing.
I'm so glad you're finding this, even in middle age. And I'm with you, in my experience it took a long time to undo the learned experiences of "love" (sentimentality for me) and I'm still working on that. It's hard work and it's painful at times but it's so worth it! And sharing the joy of others who have it and are comfortable there, without needing to defend against it, is so wonderful!
I think you’re correct when you say that many of us are conditioned to equate love with drama. I never thought of it in that way before. Perhaps drama is an unhealthy strategy that people use to stay connected to others. Negative attention can feel better than no attention at all especially for people who felt neglected, rejected or unloved as children. I believe therapists call it “acting out”.
Absolutely. I think mostly bad parents call it "acting out" (as if there's a correct way children should act), therapists might be more inclined to calling it "trying to get needs met" or "survival strategy". It really changes how you look at the behaviour when you reframe it like that, doesn't it?
“Trying to get your needs met” Yes, I remember that one ☝️ from therapy. Now I know what my therapist meant all those years. 😂 Just staying alive, staying alive! 💃 🕺
This is such a beautiful essay, I always enjoy reading you!
Some of the things in there hit hard and especially the quote at the end. "To this day I cannot remember when that feeling of being loved left me. I just know that one day I was no longer precious." How is it that we tend to forget what we first lived a person for, and end up just focusing on routine small insignificant things? I experienced that myself, and then I end up doing it to people I should cherrish. How do we become so petty, despite being conscious about these things? Despite therapy and everything, just going back to default, because if we were hurt, the hurt must be passed on 🤦♀️
Thank you Ana, I appreciate your heartfelt comment! That quote stayed with me from when I first read it a few years ago, it's so piercing. Reading your comments brings to mind something that Sam Harris says a lot in his guided meditations: that we're working on our consciousness not just for us, but to be better partners, parents, friends etc. I think it takes a lot of work and consciousness to be able to stay present with people and be aware when old wounds come in and distort our reality. And probably a lot of self-love to forgive ourselves when we end up hurting others, so we can repair the relationship. The hurt doesn't have to be passed on.
This was a very thoughtful article. Sentimentality as a defense against love is something I’ve never thought about. So, it’s got me wondering what that means and how it relates to my own life. Thank you.
I wish I could remember where I read it! Searching the internet I could only find a quote that "sentimentality is a superstructure covering brutality", but that wasn't the one I was thinking about. There's quite a lot of writing on sentimentality in his Psychological Types, but I haven't found the exact paragraph I was thinking about (maybe I dreamed it?).
My recollection of Jung's perspective was that there's something "primitive" about sentimentality (as in undifferentiated, immature, unconscious). It's feeling that's not connected to the ego and therefore there's a tendency towards fantasy and idealisation. I see it as being in love with love, rather than being capable of loving the person in front of you. And not even being aware that the two are distinct ways of loving. A bit of an inferior feeling type.
I'm curious what are your thoughts on sentimentality now, as this seems to have struck a chord with you?
Intuitively, it feels like it could mean an incapacity to love what’s in front of you as you suggested. I associate sentimental people with individuals with an incapacity of reconciling with the past through an adult lens. Sentimentality, to me, is looking at the past through rose colored glasses. You cannot really see things in proper perspective because of an attachment to an ideal view of yourself, your relationship to others and past events. I am familiar with a writer whose prose tends to sentimentality. It feels very impressionistic like I’m reading the writer’s foggy child mind. I feel as if they are holding onto an illusion of the past that was never real. But they must maintain the illusion of their past (especially, in this case, their representation of their father as the “perfect” father which probably wasn’t the case). But to let go of that fantasy would be a threat to their ego. They will go to great lengths to maintain the illusion even if it means engaging in revisionist history.
I think healthy love requires accepting others as they are in reality not as merely a projection of who we most want others to be.
I’m still not sure what Jung meant by sentimentality.
I think you put it really well, especially what you said about looking at the past through rose-tinted glasses. I see it in the difference between someone who's emotional vs someone sentimental: the emotional person speaks from felt emotion in an embodied way; the sentimental person speaks abstractly, exaggerates, inflates feelings, and it doesn't feel embodied.
If I find that reference again I hope I remember to paste it here!
Oufff, the ‘quiet tenderness of presence’ comment hit hard. It’s something I’m only just learning to appreciate in relationship, well into middle age. As you so accurately say, many of us are hard wired to equate love with drama. Thankfully it can be unlearned (with lots of therapy and a present partner!). I also loved the honesty around narcissistic feelings at weddings. It’s so important to name it! Lots to ponder on, thank you!
Thank you, Sinead! It's nice to see you on here, looking forward to reading your Substack when you start publishing.
I'm so glad you're finding this, even in middle age. And I'm with you, in my experience it took a long time to undo the learned experiences of "love" (sentimentality for me) and I'm still working on that. It's hard work and it's painful at times but it's so worth it! And sharing the joy of others who have it and are comfortable there, without needing to defend against it, is so wonderful!
I think you’re correct when you say that many of us are conditioned to equate love with drama. I never thought of it in that way before. Perhaps drama is an unhealthy strategy that people use to stay connected to others. Negative attention can feel better than no attention at all especially for people who felt neglected, rejected or unloved as children. I believe therapists call it “acting out”.
Absolutely. I think mostly bad parents call it "acting out" (as if there's a correct way children should act), therapists might be more inclined to calling it "trying to get needs met" or "survival strategy". It really changes how you look at the behaviour when you reframe it like that, doesn't it?
“Trying to get your needs met” Yes, I remember that one ☝️ from therapy. Now I know what my therapist meant all those years. 😂 Just staying alive, staying alive! 💃 🕺
This is such a beautiful essay, I always enjoy reading you!
Some of the things in there hit hard and especially the quote at the end. "To this day I cannot remember when that feeling of being loved left me. I just know that one day I was no longer precious." How is it that we tend to forget what we first lived a person for, and end up just focusing on routine small insignificant things? I experienced that myself, and then I end up doing it to people I should cherrish. How do we become so petty, despite being conscious about these things? Despite therapy and everything, just going back to default, because if we were hurt, the hurt must be passed on 🤦♀️
Thank you Ana, I appreciate your heartfelt comment! That quote stayed with me from when I first read it a few years ago, it's so piercing. Reading your comments brings to mind something that Sam Harris says a lot in his guided meditations: that we're working on our consciousness not just for us, but to be better partners, parents, friends etc. I think it takes a lot of work and consciousness to be able to stay present with people and be aware when old wounds come in and distort our reality. And probably a lot of self-love to forgive ourselves when we end up hurting others, so we can repair the relationship. The hurt doesn't have to be passed on.
The hurt doesn't have to be passed on 🙏
This was such a beautiful reflection to tune into. Thank you!
Thank you, Morgan, I appreciate your feedback!
This was a very thoughtful article. Sentimentality as a defense against love is something I’ve never thought about. So, it’s got me wondering what that means and how it relates to my own life. Thank you.
Thank you for the comment!
I wish I could remember where I read it! Searching the internet I could only find a quote that "sentimentality is a superstructure covering brutality", but that wasn't the one I was thinking about. There's quite a lot of writing on sentimentality in his Psychological Types, but I haven't found the exact paragraph I was thinking about (maybe I dreamed it?).
My recollection of Jung's perspective was that there's something "primitive" about sentimentality (as in undifferentiated, immature, unconscious). It's feeling that's not connected to the ego and therefore there's a tendency towards fantasy and idealisation. I see it as being in love with love, rather than being capable of loving the person in front of you. And not even being aware that the two are distinct ways of loving. A bit of an inferior feeling type.
I'm curious what are your thoughts on sentimentality now, as this seems to have struck a chord with you?
Intuitively, it feels like it could mean an incapacity to love what’s in front of you as you suggested. I associate sentimental people with individuals with an incapacity of reconciling with the past through an adult lens. Sentimentality, to me, is looking at the past through rose colored glasses. You cannot really see things in proper perspective because of an attachment to an ideal view of yourself, your relationship to others and past events. I am familiar with a writer whose prose tends to sentimentality. It feels very impressionistic like I’m reading the writer’s foggy child mind. I feel as if they are holding onto an illusion of the past that was never real. But they must maintain the illusion of their past (especially, in this case, their representation of their father as the “perfect” father which probably wasn’t the case). But to let go of that fantasy would be a threat to their ego. They will go to great lengths to maintain the illusion even if it means engaging in revisionist history.
I think healthy love requires accepting others as they are in reality not as merely a projection of who we most want others to be.
I’m still not sure what Jung meant by sentimentality.
I think you put it really well, especially what you said about looking at the past through rose-tinted glasses. I see it in the difference between someone who's emotional vs someone sentimental: the emotional person speaks from felt emotion in an embodied way; the sentimental person speaks abstractly, exaggerates, inflates feelings, and it doesn't feel embodied.
If I find that reference again I hope I remember to paste it here!