[Free to read] The Irony of Being a Writer

On feeling worthy to write, new plans for this Substack, and what I'm currently reading.

I used to dream about becoming many things when I was little. For a few years, I was so fascinated by the various buttons and levers inside trucks that I was firmly convinced I wanted to become a long distance truck driver. At some point, I thought I would become a fashion designer for ball gowns. Then came teacher, model, rockstar, lawyer.

While my aspirations changed often, there was one dream that prevailed. I was a lonely kid and books had always been my teachers and companions. I devoured books and thought I might want to, maybe, perhaps, one day become a writer myself. And yet, this dream felt forbidden. I never allowed myself to pursue it. When I eventually found myself needing to choose a career, I chose to become a designer-illustrator for advertising. Ironically, I was so bad at it, I was offered my first job as a copywriter.

The greater irony is that I’ve been writing professionally for over 14 years, yet I still struggle to call myself a writer. I’m not deluded–I know I can do it well. I have my own style. I’ve developed personal ways to access ideas and I know I have a talent for writing about the ineffable. And yet, I still stop myself from taking writing seriously. My voice shakes when I have to introduce myself as a writer, even though it’s literally (part of) my job title.

The heartbreaking irony of not being able to take yourself seriously as a writer (and perhaps any profession) means that you’ll continuously say no to opportunities to become successful at it.

Even though I left advertising so I could write for myself, I’ve spent the last five years mostly writing for others. I justified this as survival, which isn’t untrue. But I also continued to deny myself the chance to really be a writer, as myself. To write about my own thoughts and ideas and publish them under my own name, rather than pouring them into other people’s brands–just so I can pay my rent.

I’m writing about this now because I finally feel ready to change it.

For the first time in my five years of freelancing, I want to believe that there are less painful ways of existing as a writer. I’ve tired myself out of writing for others just so I can afford an afternoon to write honestly and meaningfully–for me, for you. I’m tired of seeing all my unfinished drafts whenever I open Substack. I’m tired of holding myself back from being what I always knew I could be.

So, here’s my pledge.

I will dedicate more time to this newsletter and aim to introduce new types of writing. This means publishing more often and more diverse pieces, such as:

• personal essays about my experience training and working as a therapist, both in psychotherapy and the psychedelic world;

• shorter reflections on the (many) books and ideas I’m exploring;

• book, podcast, resource recommendations;

• answering anonymous reader questions (submit yours here);

• interviews with inspiring writers (Lisa Marchiano is coming back next week to discuss her new book!);

• my usual longform essays reflecting on therapy, consciousness, mythology, spirituality, Jungian psychology etc. Beyond the scapegoat series that I already started, I’m working on a series of resources on ethical psychotherapy and therapy abuse, which I’m currently researching. If you have a therapy abuse story to share or you’re a therapist who’s passionate about this theme, please email me at maria@beginagain.com;

• paid subscriber-only videos delving into essay topics more conversationally, like I already did here.

And I will paywall a good amount of this content–because taking myself seriously as a writer means acknowledging that my writing is valuable.

The best way to support this new phase of Begin Again is to become a paid subscriber–for just a fiver a month, you might just allow me to quit writing snappy slogans and dedicate myself to crafting valuable resources. Other perks include 20% discounts on my classes and individual sessions, as well as my genuine, heartfelt gratitude for seeing the value in my work.

If money’s tight, you can also support me for free by liking and sharing my work with others–believe it or not, it makes a big difference and it helps me feel connected to you from my little attic writing desk.

And if there’s some topic or theme you’d like me to write about, please share it in the comments below.

There’s so much I want to share with you. I hope you’ll stick around for the ride.

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Some of the stuff I’m reading now

• I’m really enjoying Lisa Marchiano’s new book, The Vital Spark: Reclaim Your Outlaw Energies and Find Your Feminine Fire. I’ve outlined entire paragraphs and shared multiple screenshots of pages that I wish every woman could read. If you’re interested in this theme, make sure to subscribe to receive our interview coming out in a couple of weeks.

• After years of ignorant resistance, I finally started reading through Robert Greene’s The 48 Laws of Power. I used to think it was a book on manipulation, until I watched his excellent interview on The Diary of a CEO (also a first watch). Reading the book is giving me a stomach ache, but that’s only revealing my own innocence (or naiveté?) and unwillingness to examine power issues. I think it’s helping me grow up and wise up about the world and some of my relationships. And it’s a great companion to the first book on this list.

• I’m also slowly making my way through Jungian analyst Janet O. Dallet’s book Saturday’s Child: Encounters with the Dark Gods. If you’ve read my last essays, you probably know I developed a bit of a fascination for understanding evil. In a similar vein to Lisa’s book, this explores evil and shadow through Lilith, the archetype of the dark feminine.

• On a different note from the above, my father gifted me When Brains Dream: Exploring the Science and Mystery of Sleep by Antonio Zadra and Robert Stickgold. I’ve read a lot of books on dreams that basically say the same thing, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised by what I read so far here–particularly their exploration of dream theory and research pre-Freud (some of which Freud appropriated).

• I came across a second-hand printed lecture called Schism as Differing Visions given by James Hillman for the Guild of Pastoral Psychology in 1971. I don’t know what makes me happier: that I only paid 50p for this charming little copy or that he makes such a brief and compelling argument for our need to reconcile with a polytheistic vision of the psyche.

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Thank you for reading. I’d love to hear from you in the comments: what are your hopes for this Substack? What would you like more of? Have you read any of the books I shared here–and if yes, what did you think about them?